60 Nights of Horror #16: The Bride
#60nightsofhorror2022 is back at it again with another hot blonde guy with a regal hairline trying to use science and privilege to mold a strong independent woman into his ideal lady love (and FAILING MISERABLY ) with Sting (a.k.a. the OG Feyd Rautha and basically the tantric Daddy version of Julian Sands) and Jennifer Beals (What a Feeling!) in The Bride!
Good luck pretty boy, you're gonna need it
I forgot Tim Spall was in this!
Boxing Helena also had casting by Ellen Chenoweth. Interesting.
I said that Sting is the dom daddy version of Julian Sands and Trevor says that Jason Isaac's is the dom daddy Julian Sands…. Neither of us is wrong…
Sting: I have to meditate for three hours for my hair to get this long.
Can you imagine how much worse things would be if Sting wasn't having tantric sex and wishing for world peace? Thank you Sting for protecting us all.
TIM SPALL IN A BADLY HIGHLIGHTED BOWL CUT COMES SPRITELY TIPTOEING UP THE STAIRS LIKE A LITTLE GNOME
The barrel with a face on it is vomiting sand, what Pier 1 made this giant custom sand belching suspended cauldron that looks like the talking door knockers in Labyrinth? And are they on a watchlist?
NOOOOOO
Stop the sand
There is sand everywhere :(
Clancy Brown is…. violently orgasming in the corner?
Sand and water everywhere, what a mess. And who the fuck is supposed to clean this up? Tim Spall?
She's awake.... and HOT!
Tim Spall being a pervy little voyeur is actually kinda hot in a stalker fetish kind of way…
Bro of course she's afraid of you, she's afraid of everything. Clancy Brown just fucking chill, do we have a sedative?
*Pete Davidson voice* Oh no, your globe!
This room where everything is draped in dust tarps, yeah, here’s where you’ll be staying, don’t touch anything.
Sting says she's had a terrible dream. she'll be fine. MMM. K.
Clancy Brown having a lil snooze next to Bambi is a mood.
The creature carrying Rinaldo is how Master Blaster got started.
Sting says his houseguest got struck by lightning and forgot everything, Clerval’s first thought is like let's make a fuck doll and Sting's like “nah let's make a woman who is equal to us, independent like a man!”
Sure Jan, see how that works out til she disagrees with you once and you try to pull the “I’m a MAN” card.
This isn’t even a prop, Sting brought this quartz from home, from his tantra studio.
Eva's naked, se can do whatever she wants in this house. She’s pure of heart.
Mrs Baumann is mean, she's nudity shaming, and now she’s chicken shaming. Rude ass.
Chicken shaming. Rinaldo is so much more patient than Mrs. Baumann. This is what makes a good teacher. Don’t shame someone for the way they eat chicken, and be fucking patient.
“We don't know a man til we know what his dream is.”
Rinaldo is one of the most beautiful characters ever written. David Rappaports suicide was tragic.
clerval is a pervert.
one day clerval, she will astonish you
Excuse me…. Since when is taking me to church better than eating chicken?
Oh we ROBBIN the church, okay then.
Fuck em!
This is the best episode of Xena… there has to have been the same production crew. Sam Raimi learned how to direct from this.
will you get your dirty ass feet off this bar?
another pail for my friend
these two been dropped off a bridge and gotten a hangover by 9am
Eva spinning around and saying the world is so big, the way Sting is looking at her, she's got him. he is wrapped around her finger. he is smitten. she's absolutely charming
oh they're psychically linked because of course they are
here's a man that's been mistreated in his life.
Viktor. he will win his heart's desire.
Jennifer Beals horseback riding is a fetish category on its own
what's that? that's a murderer. (that's foreshadowing!)
toffee apples in Budapest! this is the life! ope lost one. ope lost the other one. no wonder he's depressed.
none of these children at the punch and Judy show are scared of Viktor.
circus time! everyone here with a mullet is actually a member of the police.
ah yes, back to the grooming of Jennifer Beals.
but this double tailed Siren statue, where am I gonna get to see these bad girls in person. oh a harpy statue, this is Frankenstein's opinion of women. that's why he's trying to make her think like a man. of course the second she's fascinated by a skull he's repulsed, even though he literally robbed graves man, fuck you
Eva hanging out in the crypt in her nightie
“Who am I?”
“You're Eva, my ward.”
she's asking too many questions. she wants to go home. to HER home.
I can't send you home because I don't know where that is, but I can give you a life here, at my knee, like an equal
Viktor wants to be a horse boy so bad
Eva hates cats, Cary Elwes hates books, they have so much in common
the falling baby act tho, this rapscallion with the longest mullet is pissed, he's gonna kill Rinaldo
horse time ends in a knife threat, cool cool. this is a time for our boys to move on, I'd say, but they won't because this is a tragedy
the door to the tower is sealed off
I didn't get kicked out, I quit
Eva is not stupid. who found me in the forest?
Bela cut the line, the piece of shit.
I suppose Venice is out.
RIP Rinaldo, the literal best person in any Frankenstein movie ever written.
Carriage accidents happen every day.
this really is two different movies smacked together by a psychically linked sociopathic showtime lesbian and an evil HBO dust bowl preacher.
oh dear, she doesn't remember him, but she feels safe with him.
Sting is a possessive lil shit ain't he, jealous over a coin?
even the traveling salesman can see that Viktor is pure of heart
no don't throw the jewels in the river
even her dress looks like stars
not the glitter in the drinks!
the trouble with free women is that they're free to despise us.
ah yes, the angry mob. at least they put him in prison. this is where he'd sing his solo. IF HE HAD ONE.
this should have been a musical, can you imagine Eva's arias? the playful duet between her and Josef about hating cats and books?
I just realized this came out BEFORE Gothic. Ken Russell had to have seen this and said I HAVE to have that Tim Spall.
Power Bottom Cary Elwes takes a hit like a champ, the little cad
She deserves to know her origin story, Sting, she owes you NOTHING.
New hands must be grafted onto the existing limbs....
It's true I made you to mate with that abortion.... I made you my equal, to rape
Trevor's commentary: where you going in those boots, Sting? wait. these arent my BEST domming boots. let me get my domming gloves. Now! NOW I'm ready to fuck my daughter!
I really appreciate that they used real circus performers in this movie.