60 Nights of Horror #14: Boxing Helena
60 Nights of Horror 2022 continues bouncing on Julian Sands’ dick as we segue into the next Theme of the Week, which is Women Being Molded in Weird Mens’ Ideas of Perfection, starting with Boxing Helena!
These are the unfiltered thoughts I wrote down as I watched this for the first time.
God, isn’t Sherilyn Fenn just stunning? She checks every box for me. What a knockout.
Helena, bitchy, beautiful Helena…
This cruel mistress shoving a scarf into this breathy simp’s hand: “Look, if you’re gonna follow me around, hold this.” She is so unimpressed with Julian Sands, and why should she be, she’s surrounded by tons of hot guys with whom she can have meaningless sex strings free. A simp is for holding your purse while you’re getting railed by someone you can easily cut off afterword. You keep the simp around, otherwise who’s gonna hold your purse? And honestly, would the simp love you half as much if you treated him with as little regard as you treat every other regular jagoff? No, they’re just bumpy things to get off on. A simp is a treasure, and you keep him close. Helena knows what’s what, and she knows just how mean to be to him, too. Good woman.
Jennifer Lynch made this specifically for the bisexual gaze.
It makes me really happy that Graeme Revell did the music for this, because we watched Dead Calm and that was his first movie and he did so well with that, that Tobe Hooper trusted him to do Spontaneous Combustion and then he landed Childs Play 2 right after that, so he had these two magnificent Brad Dourif in leading role Lynch-adjacent horror films, what a mensch. The world gets smaller and more beautiful.
Is Kurtwood Smith…. not a villain?
Chekhov’s grand piano over here, remember, Julian Sands played Liszt in that other movie Impromptu, the one where Hugh Grant played Chopin and Judy Davis played George Sand. Play the piano. Please. Show me your hands…… who am I kidding? Show me your feet.
Apparently this movie takes place in Atlanta. You know, just typical Georgia natives Julian Sands and Sherilyn Fenn, with their syrupy magnolia-tinged hotlantic accents, luv bawmin’ and verbal abyewzin blessed hearts be blessin’, y’all it’s oh so JAWWWWJUHHHH.
it’s okay julian sands, I’d hide from Art Garfunkel too.
Uggggggghhhh when they’re in the rain and Helena beckons Nick to come close to her and she slaps him across the face, I felt that in my SOUL. Beautiful women smacking beautiful men is like a hot tomato soup on a cold windy day. I love her. She’s a fucking goddess.
What a perfect little bitch Nick is. I’m not saying I’d treat him any different. I think Helena is giving him exactly what he deserves, I think she’s got the upper hand at all times, even when she has no hands, I think she’s in total control here and I love her for it. Except for the mutilation, Nick is the ultimate service submissive. Obviously it’s toxic, but we didn’t come here for Jack and Diane. I came here for a beautiful bitch in a box.
Bill Paxton stole my haircut and my fishnet shirt.
The slapstick shenanigans of this fucking movie, nice blond girl he DOES NOT WANT YOU. He is a fool for brunette BITCHES. This scene was an embarrassment to you both.
This whole movie was a porno that never got to the good part.
I appreciate the inclusion of “I Can’t Make You Love Me” on the soundtrack, but I would have used the original version because this was a little jaunty for my liking. I would have also placed it much earlier in the film and if I were Graeme Revell I would have used it as a basis for Variations on a Theme, instead of padding the soundtrack with all this Top 40 opera. It does a decent job of making Nick look basic as fuck, which I suppose is good for his character. Would have been cool if Helena had mercilessly ripped into his musical tastes, demanding he play something more daring like Berg’s Lulu (which would fit the theme).
“I Can’t Make You Love Me” hits me hard because the guitarist I dated in my freshman year of college used to play it from the wings of the theatre when we had shows together. I’d be getting ready for rehearsal or what have you, and I’d hear that opening riff, and I’d look over and see him, sighing and watching me. We were both really sorry it wasn’t the right time for either of us to make a relationship work. I still feel the tugs whenever I hear that hook…. like I’m never going to love you the way you need to be loved, we both know that, and we’re friends, but it still hurts. Especially when we made such good music together.
Anyway, this whole movie being Nick’s dream was stupid. I think if it had been Helena’s dream, it would have made more sense and maybe we could have dreamed she might have undergone some humbling, maybe even some character development. I don’t know what I was expecting, I think I got exactly what I expected, but I thought I would walk away happier about it.