60 Nights of Horror 2022 # 7: Snow White: A Tale of Terror

bad daddy/good daddy: porque no los dos?

Alright, after watching Sam Neill be a real bad daddy in Daybreakers, I’m ready to cleanse my palate and see him be the best daddy he can, given fairy tale logic. It’s the last night of Sam Neill Week and we’re watching Snow White: A Tale of Terror.

It launches at all cylinders with Lord and Lady Hoffmann on the carriage ride from hell, made worse by the fact that Lady Hoffmann is labor. And they’re being chased by wolves. It ends badly, as 90% of carriage rides before 1985 do, with Lord Hoffmann, Sam Neill in a sexy Holly Hunter wig, having to make the choice: do I save my baby and lose my wife, or do I lose both? Spoiler alert, if he’d chosen the latter it’d be a different story. Her blood will nourish the wolves.

why does god give us wings when we die?

This is a really Christian household, I’m noticing. Lord Hoffmann’s got some serious drip in the form of a jeweled crucifix around his neck, a gift from Lord Flav of Flav. He’s also got life size statues of all the best saints lining the main hallway, and ornate stations of the cross stained glass windows. He’s rich as hell, too, cause these hats got me like DAMN! I feel like I’m watching the most expensive episode of Wishbone ever made, the colors are just too bright, the puffs just a bit too puffy, everything is so richly textured and beautiful, it is a visual feast.

Baby Lilliana is adorable, close to her nursemaid, reverential towards the angel statue of her mother on the grounds, and adoring of her father. She asks him why God gives us wings when we die, and he’s there stroking a hawk while talking about heaven or some shit, I dunno I was distracted by his waistcoat. She asks him if he still loves her mother, and he says of course, and she’s like “so why are you replacing her?” (biiiiiiiiiitch it has been like 8 years) and he’s like “daddies get lonely” and that is 1000% VALID. Shut up little girl, your daddy is gonna get some and he is well within his rights.

The Lady Claudia, played by the radiant Sigourney Weaver at possibly the best she’s ever looked, shows up in the most beautiful snood I’ve ever seen, followed by her mute magician brother, Gustav, who is dressed like a poor man’s Sir Thomas More. I immediately love Claudia, and am repulsed by her brother. I love mutes, and I love magicians, but someone said “porque no los dos” re: this character and I gotta say “simplemente, no.” He makes me cringe.

Shit-starter Baby Lilli thinks she can startle perfection-incarnate Lady Claudia with a caterpillar, only to fail when the new lady of the house asks calmly, “what will you do with her when she grows wings?”

Oh look, a fish-eye mirror, that’s not foreshadowing at all

This fucking magician just let a bird loose in the house. A white bird. There’s a song from one of my favorite musicals, Marie-Christine, about the gossip surrounding the mistress of the house. Not to mention the various superstitions regarding birds in the house, mhmm, yeah okay Gustav I’m watching you and it’s not just cause I can’t hear you. -_-

Claudia, a singer as talented as she is beautiful, doesn’t seem to have too many material things of her own save for this massive ornate wooden wardrobe from the old country, with a few leaf extensions upon which she scatters her various beauty treatments: tiny bottles of bright oils, a few powders, some pots of what I assume are tingly salves. The accoutrements of a gal who likes to keep herself moisturized up top and down below, and girl, same. The mirror behind the wardrobe doors is the most impressive part, though: it is perfectly flat. Every mirror in this house has demonstrated imperfections, one is spotted, another is funhouse wiggly, etc. This mirror is PERFECTLY FLAT.

Now this version of the story is set, judging by the hair pieces, the hats, and the head dresses, in the late 1400s, early 1500s. Do you have any idea the craftsmanship that would have to go into making a perfectly flat, perfectly reflective mirror out of glass given the resources at the time? A rabbit hole, if you're curious. It would have been deeply expensive, and probably the most dear object in all of her possessions for sheer value. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was a large chunk of her dowry.

mirror, mirror, in the wardrobe, can I have some turkish delight?

There is a lovely tradition in old school weddings, where folks come bless the wedding bed before the marriage is consummated. By this I mean everyone from the wedding party, everyone, comes and sprinkles a little “enjoy breaking that hymen” red wine onto the marital bed, with the newlyweds in their slutty wedding night outfits chilling under the covers and graciously saying “thanks y’all, this is great, I hope we make lots of babies and stuff.” I’m pretty sure some cultures still do this.

Now I’ve already established that Baby Lilli is a little shit, and when it comes to be her turn to wish her dad’s nuptials well, she chucks the wine in her new stepmom’s face and runs away. Her dad can’t chase after her cause he’s naked under them sheetz (they didn’t show it but I know what’s up cause I’m savvy to where dat dick be), and she escapes with zero consequences. She follows her puppy (a GIFT from her loving stepmom BY THE WAY) into her stepmom’s apartment and hides under the bed when her nurse comes looking. Of course this wardrobe mirror I was talking about earlier decides to reveal its enchantments and give the old woman a heart attack, traumatizing the poor kid. I mean, sorryyyyy, but if you ruin Mommy’s special day, maybe your day’s gonna get ruined right back, so…

9 years later…

Lady Claudia has been wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’ for a wee bébé of her very own, and she’s finally embarazada enough to be noticeable behind an empire waist gown. She’s resplendent in her femininity, and divinely happy, optimistically looking forward to motherhood. I can’t imagine why, since her only experience with children has been that of Lilli, who’s grown up defiant, still obsessed with the birth mother (who she never even MET by the way, obviously), possessive of her father, and pretty as the picture of her mother she keeps in an ornate locket around her neck. (There is also a massive painting of her mom hidden in a side room, that she and her father visit at different points.) Lord Hoffmann is also excited about the new baby, and he’s literally praying that it’s a boy. I’d be aghast, but these are Europeans in the Renaissance Era, and girls don’t inherit property no matter how much their dad wants to do them.

I said what i said.

Lady Claudia has been nothing but nice to Lilli, who flaunts her cuteness all over this house like “look at me, I’m nubile and fertile, I’m gonna run around in my transparent chemise, and I’m definitely gonna shit all over this dress you want me to wear the ball, specifically because it is special to you. I hate it because you’re trying, once again, to share your life with me, despite me actively hammering it into your head and heart over the last nine years how much I hate you because I can’t bear the idea that my dad might derive joy from anyone but me.” Harsh, but that’s a direct quote from the film. Lilli SUUUUUCKS. She also hates the new baby, cause she’s a baby hater.

She decides to stir shit up (there goes Lilli, stirrin the pot again) by digging up her MOTHER’S wedding dress to the ball. And worse: she doesn’t show up til way late. She makes a bigass entrance, while seven months pregnant Lady Claudia, looking and sounding like a literal angel, is singing her big song to her husband. Like, full of hope, can’t wait to give you the baby boy of your dreams, I love you so much even though your kid is mean to me literally every day, why aren’t you looking at me? Why are you looking at her? Why is she dressed like it’s her wedding? Is that her mother’s wedding dress? Why would she do that? It’s my party. Why would she do this at my party?

Lady Claudia, heaving of breast, peaches and cream, gold halo radiating from behind her magnificent hair, begins to have a panic attack in the middle of this party, and the world is spinning, and nobody fucking sees her because everybody is taking a fucking time travel trip to when Lord Hoffmann married his first wife. Oh, how lovely, Lilliana (named after her mother BY THE WAY) looks just like her mother did on her wedding day, so ripe and eager, joyful in Lord Hoffmann’s arms, anything to steal the spotlight from every other woman in the room, because it’s only Lord Hoffmann’s gaze that matters. Does it matter that he’s her father? You do know you can’t marry your dad, right? Fuck him a hundred times, fuck him as the day is long, teach an old dawg new tricks, but polite society won’t let you marry him. And also, it’s your virginity, you could be sellin’ that shit, don’t you want all the rich people to sprinkle wine on your sheets as you sit and spin your way to a life of prosperity and security? Get it together, Elektra, a very pregnant woman is having contractions on the ballroom floor and-

OH SHIT A VERY PREGNANT WOMAN IS HAVING CONTRACTIONS ON THE BALLROOM FLOOR!

Yes, very painfully, we hear the labor, we hear the groans of Lady Claudia in the birthing chair, we see the maids carry the bundle away. The sensible doctor, who is lowkey engaged to Lilli (hush hush), breaks the sad news to Lord Hoffmann that not only was his son stillborn, but Lady Claudia cannot and will never carry a child to term. He is heartbroken, but does he even attempt to go console his wife? No. He fuckin splits, like a MAN >:(

Lady Claudia, clutching the arm rests, having ripped herself out of one of the leather straps, is struggling to free herself from this chair, as the placenta falls to the floor. It is an absolutely miserable sight. She wanted this so much, she wanted somebody who would love her for who she was and not what she could give them. Her brother loves her but he’s weird. Her husband loves her in the way a guy who marries you hoping you’ll give him pretty and talented kids does: his affection disintegrates as soon as that type of usefulness is off the table. (In his mind: “You’ve failed at your duties to this household for nine years, Anne Boleyn, you’re on thin ice. Sweet cheeks, you’re lucky you’re hot, boy oh boy if I could marry my ripe young daughter I’d do it in a minute, she’s got birthin’ hips like her REAL mom and if it hadn’t been for them wolves and the carriage ride from hell she’d be here right now too and then I’d have TWO babes and you’ll never be her, God I don’t know what I ever saw in you except that sweet ass mirror I’m gonna inherit when I behead you for schtupping that mute magician who lives with us for some reason.” And if she could read minds she’d say “nooooo, he’s so weird!”) Nobody loves Claudia in the way her reflection tells her she deserves to be loved. Least of all that shithead stepdaughter.

🎵 You ruined everything, you stupid bitch 🎵

Listen Claudia, I am on YOUR side. My heart breaks for you. You deserve love. And jewelry. You DON’T deserve lies from a mute magician trying to piss in your hair and tell you it’s raining. That’s a pig’s heart. You know it, I know it, the dog knows it. Well. He ain’t the only magic user in this family. And one of y’all got a lot more sang-froid than the other. I believe in you.

Lilli on the run and rightfully so cause she done FUCKED up gets loster than lost, and GOOD. Her father gets injured while looking for her and finds himself bedridden in the care of the wife he abandoned, so good luck with that, hope you’re ready for a stern talkin’ to. Lilli ends up in the company of a bunch of sweaty miners (who would be running very grimy trains on her if this were a different and sexier type of movie), including Gil Bellows from Ally McBeal with a scar on his face. Christians, amirite? (He’s not a Christian, Christians did it to him, and he’s like, trying to be all badass and mean, like a bad boy who’s only bad cause he’s hurtin’ inside, but I’m not really buying it because you can take the smarmy lawyer out of the late 90s sitcom, but trying to turn him into a gruff miner is a bigger Ally McDeal than we bargained for.)

There are some scary sequences where Lilli keeps avoiding death (a cave-in at the mine, a mighty wind taking out the forest) while accidentally getting miners killed. Meanwhile the doctor fiancé shows up to the castle to help Lord Hoffmann and Lady Claudia is like “Actually, do you wanna make out? That was nice, you’re a good boy and you’ll make a good son-in-law. Can you please go find Lilli?” And that is definitely a way to get rid of a snoop. Could have killed him, y’know, but ehhhh we ain’t there yet, we ain’t killing other people’s kids yet, we ain’t Set Our Intentions yet, see, and that’s why it hasn’t worked yet, you didn’t want it enough.

Special effects teeth by Chris Lyons of Fangs FX, Buckinghamshire

The reflection in her mirror, which never lies, says she can resurrect her baby if she “steals the father’s seed and bathes the baby in the father’s blood.” Now this is where she hesitates. She actually does love Lord Hoffmann. She’s just mad at him. The mirror is like “Hey you know how hot you are? Babe you are so hot. Much hotter than that teenage brat. You’ve seen shit. You know shit. Your hair which is definitely not a wig is like spilled chocolate diamonds cascading over your beautiful bone structure and you definitely have thick and natural eyebrows with seductive arches. I ain’t lookin right now but I bet you got some bomb ass feet with long and graceful toes. C’mon 5’11” Lady of the House, show me dem toes. Now spread em. Now wipe this all over em. Rub it in. Yeahhhh, nice and shiny. Oh, your skin just drinks it up, she’s thirsty, and I’m drooling, now spit in my mouth. No. No I mean spit in the air and catch it. That’s the only way it’s gonna- it’s a mirror- I- You know it’s fine. No don’t wipe it off, it’s hot. You’re so fuckin’ hot, babe, uggggh, babe you’re so fuckin hot, let’s turn you into a 200 year old crone. and turn your stupid weirdo brother’s eviscerated heart into a poison apple.” Before she does that, though, she puts on her finest see-through “there is no Claudia, only Zuul” chemise and straddles her injured husband who’s like “Yay, you’re not mad at me anymore!” Skeet skeet!

what are you doing, step-granny?

Every moment of Sigourney Weaver as Lady Claudia as Elderly Apple-Distributing Grandma is cinematic gold. No fucking notes. It’s gold and it’s one of my favorite scenes I’ve ever seen her do, and I love the destruction sequence in Aliens like I love my wife. Intensely. This is up there and deserves to be there.

The death of Lilli is nice, though the stained glass casket that’s going straight into the ground is duuuuuuumb. It’s pretty and should be laying in state, not buried in the ground where nobody can see it. It literally only goes into the ground so Gil Bellows from Ally McBeal can dramatically push the dirt off of it and drag her out of it. He doesn’t give her CPR, he doesn’t give her the Heimlich, he doesn’t even give her true love’s kiss. He just shakes her like a baby until she coughs up the apple. Sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, daddy’s been crucified

Nothing like a fresh exsanguination for the baby’s bath, which totally worked, the mirror didn’t lie! Amazing, just goes to show you really can only trust yourself in this business. The baby fetus is alive, even Lord Hoffmann isn’t totally dead.

Lilli, Doctor Fiancé, and Gil Bellows from Ally McBeal rescue Lord Hoffmann, where he thinks he’s died and gone to heaven cause not only is he seeing s ghost, he’s seeing double so he thinks her ma is there too, bless his stupid manly heart. She says “newp” and goes inside to deal with Claudia, who has placed the whole house under a spell. Lilli breaks all the mirrors on one side of the room, making for an interesting effect when faced with all the intact mirrors on the other side.

Claudia is having her Lucia di Lammermoor Mad Scene, love that for her.

“You have no heart.”

“That’s too simple.”

Spoiled little shit Lilli’s all mad that despite her best efforts this baby fetus is alive. How dare her stepmom be happy! She really cannot bear the idea of Claudia being happy! Naturally this competition has finally led to a real confrontation: some blades are drawn, a fire happens, the baby gets set on fire and this is not a happy story. It’s not Snow White: A Tale of Happiness. All of Claudia’s hard work is down the drain and she catches her reflection. Fuck. She has been so stressed that she ain’t looking cute, like… at all. She goes to get her creams to fix her shit like we all do, nothing calms the nerves like a skin care routine, but not in the middle of a knife fight, baby you are so stressed, poor thing.

I was heartbroken when Lady Claudia, Mistress of the House and Bene Gesserit Missionary, perished at the hands of her stepdaughter destroying her one and only horcrux: that ornate and perfect mirror. I was glad to see Lord Hoffmann live, despite being the kind of man whose gaze haunts his daughter’s every step. I hope he makes things difficult when Lilli decides to marry a scar-faced miner with Crusade trauma instead of the doctor who fell out of a tower window to a painful death (whoopsie).

The film ends as it began, with blood mixing into snow. This is probably the best Snow White adaptation I’ve ever seen, and is an instant favorite. I’m really glad I watched it.