Oh My God They Were Roommates
Gus: The project runway all stars marathon playing in this Planned Parenthood rn is really adding to the tension in the lobby.
Me: "Make it work."
Gus: Imagine being twilighted for a procedure and just hearing Tim's stern voice as you drift in and out.
Me: Your nurse whispers "Aufwedersehen"
Gus: Instead of spackling lights and your vision blurring it's houndstooth patterning
Me: a double air kiss
Gus: Half the room is people having a Bad Day and half the room is people who I'm willing to bet are named some variation of Aidan.
Me: It all rhymes with Aidan
Gus: It's also like REALLY dark and sad, like, damn, I know there's been serious budget cuts but surely we can scrape the change together for a handful of lightbulbs
Me: Brayden, Hayden, Jayden, Kayden
Gus: Caidan, Leighdon
Me: I feel sorry for Leighdon. It's actually pronounced La-Dawn but fuck if any of these queers will respect it
Gus: And then spelling reiterations like Ayedin, Breighdon. Oh we also can't forget the guys who are tumblr elders with names like Xaydin who are the kinds of SPN fans who won't watch it on Netflix because it doesn't have the original OST
Me: They've been taping back their tits and calling themselves Dean since before these little shits was even BORN
Gus: "BACK IN MY DAY WE USED ACE BANDAGES AND SUCKED IT IN." He says as he chugs his 12th monster of the day at 10 AM and brushes crumbs off his Hazbin Hotel tee
Me: Xaydin is INSUFFERABLE and is once again requesting MUTUAL AID. He spent his last gofundme on yarn. Fucking YARN, Xaydin.
Gus: HE LOST IT ALL AT FYBRE FEST
Me: HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
Gus: HE TRUSTED THEM, THEY WERR *BIPOC*
Me, as Xaydin: "Oh GODDDDD I WISH I WAS BLACK"
Gus: *"I wanna be Black" by Lou Reed hums steady in the background* …. Omg one of them is named Hayden
Me: Xaydin's roommate/ex Hayden slams the fridge door shut, shaking a thumbtacked Steven Universe poster off the wall, it gently drifts to the center of the floor as mismatched socks enter the room.
Hayden: "Did you eat my fucking leftovers."
Xaydin: "You know I can't have carbs, I'm a celiac."
Hayden: "You are NOT a celiac, Xaydin."
Xaydin: "I can't believe you're attacking me right now."
* They both go on TikTok Live and start frantically whisperposting about their toxic situations.*
Gus: Xaydin does under the chin closet posting and Hayden does over the head selfie stick posting while he walks down the block while the neighbors are out.
Me: It's just so toxic.
Gus: Their other roommate/current partner Trey is a sits in the car with his seat belt on poster, which is where he's sitting and currently eating Hayden's leftovers on a mukbang stream "Thank you for the roses" he slurps as chow mein dribbles down into the console.
Me: It's not his car either, it's his mom's and she doesn't know he has it. he's got a warrant
Gus: It's been weeks.
Me: She's a housebound hoarder anyway, it's why he is the way he is, he's a cishet and only dates AFAB bisexuals, but they get younger every year.
Gus: He looks like Val Kilmer back in the day, but it's only a matter of time before the fat fucking face era dawns upon him.
Me: The path of the peanut sauce dripping down his chin slows in his stubble. Catches in the first beginning of a neck fold. he will not wash it.
Gus: They call their home the "bear den" although none of them would ever be mistaken for bears.
Me: Not a body hair among them, and not for lack of trying.
Gus: "It's not low T levels It's just genetics" Trey insists.
Me: Just weird melted candle bodies. Except for Trey. He's just like.... a dude. For now. But he'll claim queerness and admit to toying with the idea of gender play but only when a reddit thread of 18 year old wannabe makeup influencers call him out for thievery.
"He said I was really mature for my age and then waited til I was high and stole my PS3 while I was sleeping, and like... that's how I watch dvds, man." - Posted by username "cumstaincuntry"
Gus: He unironically says "Yee yee" when he finishes
Me: His onlyfans has one subscriber, and it's Hayden. Xaydin watches all the freebies tho.
Gus: "Support sex workers" Hayden says as he cross promos it on bsky. That is all of Trey's media presence. Trey only made an OF so he could join the "SWs supporting SWs" discords and see other guys' dicks without actually having to compartmentalize whether these were "gay thoughts"
Me: But he's queer, he swears, he just, like, bristles when AMAB people hit on him
Gus: His butt audibly says "Ope" when he fear farts
Me: He hates and fears cis men, but will never admit it. He just likes the drink specials and tells everyone he's a lesbian.
Gus, in an aside: Omfg I wonder how The Cum Man is doing these days. And Mrs. The Cum Man.
Me: Still shooting rope last time I checked. Which was like last week.
Gus: Oh good I'm glad to know there is some regularity in this planet.
Me: The world keeps spinning spinning, and The Cum Man cummeth.
Gus: Biiiiiig thicc milky ropes.
Me: Big Shoots.
Gus: Imagine a vape flavor that's just cum and the promise is that you'll have the thickest and milkiest clouds.
Me: Trey is laying naked on his back on his bedroom floor blowing thick milky cum clouds while listening to the Saltburn soundtrack on vinyl. He intercepted his mom's social security check and is celebrating.
Gus: He made himself her power of attorney Dee Dee Blanchard style.
Me: "Make a wish, biiiiiiìitch" a vocal fry as he plumes.
Gus: Which one of them has the self-diagnosed EDS/POTS/MCAS/Fibro/DID/Autism/ADHD canopy and checks themselves into the hospital any time a holiday comes up so they don't have to be home alone or go see their family lmaoooo
Me: Xaydin of COURSE
Gus: OF COURSE OF COURSE
Me: Hayden legit has mild cerebral palsy and doesn't ever mention it. He just uses his cane when he needs it, and it BURNS Xaydin.
Xaydin: "Oh GODDDD I WISH I WAS BLACK"
Gus: Hayden has to hide his blue placard from Xaydin in a lockbox.
Me: Hayden takes long walks with his selfie stick cause he likes it. Xaydin is “…. leg disabled?”
Gus: Trey takes Hayden's muscle relaxers recreationally and let's Xaydin take the blame because if he wasn't taking them, Xaydin would definitely be taking them to do "grwm" pill regimen tiktoks
Me: Hayden is an active admin for the most popular Babylon 5 reddit, so he stays pretty busy. God Xaydin is such a piece of shit, one wonders how he ever landed Hayden in the first place. But even Hayden will tell ya "Hey man, sometimes I be slippin."
Gus: Hayden could ALMOST be cool if he ditched the loser boyfriends and moved in with his vet tech sister and her wife I'm imagining Hayden as the guy who was in that autobiographical show about the guy with CPalsy who pretended he was hit by a truck instead of having CP so no one would treat him like a disabled guy, but it backfires horribly.
Me: He does also have a Geri Jewell shirt that says "I Don't Have Cerebral Palsy I'm Just Drunk." And when people compliment him on it he tells them about Geri Jewell. They always forget to ask about his condition, which he pretends not to have until he absolutely can't hide it any longer. Usually when Xaydin's taken all his supplements for his grwm TT lives.
Xaydin: "So I have to take a lot of potassium because-WHAT HAYDEN OH MY GOD I’LL WASH THEM LATER, FUCK!"
Gus: Hayden refuses to get a medical ID and it drives his sister up the wall because she's always the one who gets called when he has an emergency. Any time Hayden has a legitimate emergency Xaydin has an "episode" and tries to get into the ER at the same time.
Me: He's an empath.
Gus: So he can post "couple goals" ironic tiktoks of their gurneys being close together
Me: #thefaultinourstars
Gus: They met on a disability support zoom call, it wasn't love at first sight at all, but Hayden had been chronically single and his friends told him he needed to get his dick wet and let off some steam.
Me: They are both wheeled past a room where Trey is intubated after having a horrible allergic reaction to the cum vape. We learn from his hospital band that Trey is short for Treyden.
Gus: TREY NOOOOOO
Me: He's queer, he swears!
Gus: Xaydin is already thinking of ways to steal Trey's epipens.
Me: Xaydin practices under his breath:
Xaydin: "This is Trey, he's allergic to cum. This is Trey, he's allergic to cum,"
Trey: "Oh my god.... I think I'm allergic to latex."
Hayden: "You are NOT allergic to latex," Hayden groans
Gus: Trey hasn't realized yet that this is an excuse to go raw.
Me: There's a lot of things Trey doesn't realize. Like that there's dried peanut sauce caked in his neck fold. (Xaydin has one actual allergy)
Gus: I'm so glad I'm the only one left in the lobby now so I can chortle appropriately at this
Me, acting it out:
Hayden: "Did you eat my leftover pad thai?"
Xaydin: "I fucking told you I didn't."
Trey: "The fridge is communal."
Hayden: "You don't even live here!"
Xaydin: "Yes he DOES."
Trey and Hayden: "What's wrong with your face?"
Xaydin: "I'm having an anxiety attack, I TOLD you YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME"
Hayden: "You ate the pad thai."
Trey: "No I did."
Xaydin: "I think I'm allergic to cum"
Trey: "I need some time alone guys, I just found out I'm allergic to cum."
Xaydin: "This is Trey, I'm allergic to cum."
Hayden: "I fucking hate you both."
Gus, as Trey: "As a, uh, queer man, this is just getting too heavy.
Me, as Trey: “Guess this means I can't be fooling around with guys anymore, DAMN! Can I still come to Southern Nights?”
Gus, as Trey: “ON LADIES NIGHT??”
Me, as Hayden: "Haha you said Cum"
Me, as Xaydin: "Okay I'm legit covered in hives"
Gus: Xaydin panicking because it's the first actual emergency in his life and he doesn't know what to do—Oh shit it just switched to like an early 00s episode of Project Runway. The saturation!
Me: Hayden, going on TikTok live to make fun of him "Soooo this is my roommate Xaydin who just found out he's allergic to cum"
Gus: Xaydin sobbing and looking like Nic Cage in Wickerman
Me as Hayden: "So nobody fuck Xaydin anymore kthxbai"
Trey in the background: "No! No I can still fuck! Y’all I can still fuck! I'm just allergic to cum so it can't be guys.... anymore.”
Xaydin in the background: "I'm allergic to cum!"
Robert Palmer as a TikTok sound: “You know you’re gonna have to face it you’re allergic to cum…”